I pray. Don't all Christians? I go to church, worship, give, and take communion. But somehow this past year it has all become "rote" to me. Why am I doing this?
There are "right" reasons...to not forsake gathering together...to remember Christ's work...to bring glory to God...to learn...to invest in community...to share in the building of the church...all of these things are so important! So why have I felt empty doing them?
I have been on a quest to find out what is going on with me...Why am I empty? Why can I sometimes not "engage" in worship? What is it that makes me uncomfortable in the "corporate" setting? Why do I feel like I'm desperate for any answers that would assuage my thirst for knowledge?
The answers are coming...slowly...and a little bit painfully...Worship is for and about the Lord. It's not about me or my feelings. I can do all of these things out of obedience. I don't have to "feel it." My discomfort is laughable compared to Christ's suffering on the cross. Everyone is broken and has places that need healing. This is why we have a savior.
But there's a part of me, that still seeks answers...beyond these...is that arrogant? Self-important? I have struggled with that...I don't think so...I think God cares about my emptiness and wants me to search my heart and His Word to know Him better and learn what He has for me.
During my prayer time and my conversations with other believers, God has revealed some things I need to know about myself and about His character. Here are a few things from this week: I am legalistic about the "whats" in my life because I'm focused on the wrong "who." In Christ there is freedom. Also (although I never thought so before) I view God as I have viewed my parents. I have realized that I'm waiting for Him to "drop the ball" with me. I am waiting for Him to get fed up and leave. And this leads to the legalism because I am focused on how others have hurt me. I never want to lose my awe for how God continues to provide for me, but I want to have a joyful expectancy of His care.
So how does that translate into discomfort and "rote-ness" (yes, I made up that word)? Because each time I go to worship, I am rehearsing previous hurts and I doubt God's healing could be for me. I look for ways to be special instead of realizing my preciousness in God's sight. I let fears overwhelm me, when I could be laying them at the Lord's feet.
Worship is not about me. But through the different expressions of worship there is healing. So, as I draw near to God, He is glorified through even my weaknesses...but I have to be honest about them and be willing to be healed. This is difficult. I know, bad, right? But honest. If I don't have hurts to nurse, what will I do? What will giving that up cost me? What will I gain?
Peace. Freedom. Healing. Love.
Lord, help me to begin the process of surrender. Please help me see you as trustworthy.
There are "right" reasons...to not forsake gathering together...to remember Christ's work...to bring glory to God...to learn...to invest in community...to share in the building of the church...all of these things are so important! So why have I felt empty doing them?
I have been on a quest to find out what is going on with me...Why am I empty? Why can I sometimes not "engage" in worship? What is it that makes me uncomfortable in the "corporate" setting? Why do I feel like I'm desperate for any answers that would assuage my thirst for knowledge?
The answers are coming...slowly...and a little bit painfully...Worship is for and about the Lord. It's not about me or my feelings. I can do all of these things out of obedience. I don't have to "feel it." My discomfort is laughable compared to Christ's suffering on the cross. Everyone is broken and has places that need healing. This is why we have a savior.
But there's a part of me, that still seeks answers...beyond these...is that arrogant? Self-important? I have struggled with that...I don't think so...I think God cares about my emptiness and wants me to search my heart and His Word to know Him better and learn what He has for me.
During my prayer time and my conversations with other believers, God has revealed some things I need to know about myself and about His character. Here are a few things from this week: I am legalistic about the "whats" in my life because I'm focused on the wrong "who." In Christ there is freedom. Also (although I never thought so before) I view God as I have viewed my parents. I have realized that I'm waiting for Him to "drop the ball" with me. I am waiting for Him to get fed up and leave. And this leads to the legalism because I am focused on how others have hurt me. I never want to lose my awe for how God continues to provide for me, but I want to have a joyful expectancy of His care.
So how does that translate into discomfort and "rote-ness" (yes, I made up that word)? Because each time I go to worship, I am rehearsing previous hurts and I doubt God's healing could be for me. I look for ways to be special instead of realizing my preciousness in God's sight. I let fears overwhelm me, when I could be laying them at the Lord's feet.
Worship is not about me. But through the different expressions of worship there is healing. So, as I draw near to God, He is glorified through even my weaknesses...but I have to be honest about them and be willing to be healed. This is difficult. I know, bad, right? But honest. If I don't have hurts to nurse, what will I do? What will giving that up cost me? What will I gain?
Peace. Freedom. Healing. Love.
Lord, help me to begin the process of surrender. Please help me see you as trustworthy.
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