I pray.  Don't all Christians?  I go to church, worship, give, and take communion.  But somehow this past year it has all become "rote" to me.  Why am I doing this? 

There are "right" reasons...to not forsake gathering together...to remember Christ's work...to bring glory to God...to learn...to invest in community...to share in the building of the church...all of these things are so important!  So why have I felt empty doing them?

I have been on a quest to find out what is going on with me...Why am I empty?  Why can I sometimes not "engage" in worship?  What is it that makes me uncomfortable in the "corporate" setting?  Why do I feel like I'm desperate for any answers that would assuage my thirst for knowledge?

The answers are coming...slowly...and a little bit painfully...Worship is for and about the Lord.  It's not about me or my feelings.  I can do all of these things out of obedience.  I don't have to "feel it."  My discomfort is laughable compared to Christ's suffering on the cross.  Everyone is broken and has places that need healing.  This is why we have a savior.

But there's a part of me, that still seeks answers...beyond these...is that arrogant?  Self-important?  I have struggled with that...I don't think so...I think God cares about my emptiness and wants me to search my heart and His Word to know Him better and learn what He has for me.

During my prayer time and my conversations with other believers, God has revealed some things I need to know about myself and about His character.  Here are a few things from this week:  I am legalistic about the "whats" in my life because I'm focused on the wrong "who."  In Christ there is freedom.  Also (although I never thought so before) I view God as I have viewed my parents.  I have realized that I'm waiting for Him to "drop the ball" with me.  I am waiting for Him to get fed up and leave.  And this leads to the legalism because I am focused on how others have hurt me.  I never want to lose my awe for how God continues to provide for me, but I want to have a joyful expectancy of His care.

So how does that translate into discomfort and "rote-ness" (yes, I made up that word)?  Because each time I go to worship, I am rehearsing previous hurts and I doubt God's healing could be for me.  I look for ways to be special instead of realizing my preciousness in God's sight.  I let fears overwhelm me, when I could be laying them at the Lord's feet. 

Worship is not about me.  But through the different expressions of worship there is healing.  So, as I draw near to God, He is glorified through even my weaknesses...but I have to be honest about them and be willing to be healed.  This is difficult.  I know, bad, right?  But honest.  If I don't have hurts to nurse, what will I do?  What will giving that up cost me?  What will I gain?

Peace.  Freedom.  Healing.  Love. 

Lord, help me to begin the process of surrender.  Please help me see you as trustworthy.

I get very hung up on doing the "right" thing...very often.  Am I the only one who struggles with this?  Of course not.  Many of us wonder how our decisions will impact others and how others see the decisions we make.  The problem is when we begin putting peoples' opinions above God's direction.  Or when we recklessly ignore the feedback of trustworthy individuals. 

Can anyone actually make the decision for us?  No, not really.  Many might like to, however, we will stand before God accountable for ourselves.  We cannot "pass the buck" to others-- either out of fear or in order to have someone else to blame for how things work. 

This week a friend introduced me to the concept of "ideal" or "in theory" versus "reality" in regard to making difficult decisions.  She said, "Of course in theory I would love to do 'A' (insert the ideal choice), but reality dictates that I do 'B.'"  She went on to lovingly confront me on the legalistic standards I use to assess my decision making.

She's right.  I break everything down into "right" and "wrong."  What happened to my freedom in Christ?  If I am stifled by standards no one can meet, how am I embracing the work of Christ on the cross and in my life?  I have choices.  And where sin is not an issue the choice can be made freely. 

Why do I worry so much then?  Because approval is an idol in my life.  Because I try to avoid personal responsibility.  Because doing it different than everyone else is scary. 

I am praying about a new perspective, one that looks at the needs, intricacies, and outcomes of situations with excitement and expectancy regarding what God can and will do in and through the situation.  Being ready to hold the decision with open hands and being willing to change course when needed.

Have any of you been through a decision-making crisis?  How did God reveal Himself? 

Lord, how we need wisdom, strength and discernment in our decision-making.   

Calling.

This word has plagued me lately. It sounds official, yet natural. Important, yet common. This theme of calling encompasses my mind at times…

Why?

Because for all the twists and turns life has taken the last three years, it is not over. Because decisions have to be made. Because I want to be obedient to God and at the same time be fulfilled…

This is what I know…

that the only thing I have to be ashamed of is my sin…

that I’m accountable to God in the end…

that I have choices while I’m here…

that I’m scared…

that I idolize approval…

that I want more of God (or is it more proper to say, I want him to have more of me)…

that the combination of all of these things creates havoc in my mind!

As I move forward when I want to go back, I gain strength. As I set goals, I begin to conquer fear. As I trust God, I gain confidence in His power.

Yet still…I hold back.

From what? For what?

I’m not sure…I think there are things I need to let go of before I take another step…things that aren’t helpful, but are very comfortable…things that can unsettle me, but I believe anyway…

Where has all this rambling taken me?

To my knees, where I belong… To prayer, where God meets me…and I can ask Him about my calling.

Thank you, Lord, that you know my calling and you are trustworthy.

Well, at the beginning of November I hopped on the "thankfulness bandwagon" thinking how fun it would be to broadcast the things for which I'm thankful.  I was happy to chronicle my days and count my blessings.  And it was a good exercise--but it was more than that.  It became the highlight of my day.  The thanksgiving begot thanksgiving.  The more I was thankful for, the more for which I was thankful.  God had a message for me in all of this, and I'd like to share it with you...what I realized as I traveled the thankfulness journey is when my house is a pit, my kids are disobedient, my marriage is tense, work is boring, school is hard, money is lacking, and I'm feeling depressed, there are still things for which to be thankful.  I'm not talking about living in denial, being a "Pollyanna" or pretending everything is okay.  I hate those things.  I often think that if that's what the Christian life is about, then I don't want it.  What I'm talking about are the things that matter in the core of our being...God being on His throne, showing and receiving love, growing through life's circumstances, helping and sharing with the people around us--these things change us and make life so much richer, even while we deal with pain and angst and challenge that we call life.  So while I may not continue to publicly post my thankfulness on a daily basis, I know that I need to continue to daily give thanks...it's an exercise that is good for me, that stretches me, that centers me, that humbles me...

Today I am thankful for God's Word.  I am thankful for sanctification.  I am thankful for study-buddy lunch dates with Matthew.  I am thankful for those people that try to understand me.  I am thankful that my husband tries to understand me.  I am thankful for a patient person in my life.  I am thankful for the humor in my life.  I am thankful that God never gives up on me.

I enjoyed a blog post this morning from a dear coworker.  With her permission I pass her wisdom on..."If you are like me, prone to stressing and fussing on Thanksgiving Day, pick out a bible verse and tuck it in your apron pocket so that you are ready for battle. And remember that your battle is not with the turkey, the oven, your husband, or sister...do not forget that Jesus will also be dining with us.  You see, we may be off from work and school on Thanksgiving day but Satan is definitely on duty – and yet, so is God!" --@Emily Fontenot.  I think Emily has a good mindset for us...Why are we making preparations?  Are we looking for praise and kudos?  Would our family prefer a simpler meal if that would ease the stress load of the holiday?  Let's enjoy our families and friends and approach Thanksgiving with thanksgiving...no, life might not be easy, and joy may be hard to find in the pain for some--let's be honest about that and sensitive to those needs, so that we can create a joy-filled atmosphere around us...this isn't about hyper-spirituality; it's about reaching out in acceptance and love to those around us in the midst of turkey, football, and pumpkin pie (or in Emily's case pecan pie... ;)  )  Bring it on!!! 

I don’t suppose I’m the only one whose children STILL argue over chores.  But it sure feels like it today.  My older two, who take turns cleaning the kitchen, could not come up with a “fair” distribution of the labor.  Usually one of them cleans the kitchen, and they switch off.  Tonight I couldn’t remember whose turn it was, and that sparked a lively debate with each side being very sure that it was not his or her turn.  So this was my solution:  tonight clean the kitchen together.  Well, now that sparked another debate about “fair.”  So I decided to up the ante a bit…from now on whoever cleans the kitchen has to get his or her job okayed by the other sibling. This leaves me completely out of the debate.  And teaches them to negotiate…which they were doing quite loudly tonight.  But it is just one more way I can relinquish control and teach them the fine art of accountability.  I’m not a very creative person normally, but parental desperation brings out the Van Gogh in me!  ;)

My daughter and I just returned from our first college visit trip.  It was a unique experience.  I was a little stressed before hand getting all the travel arrangements made and wondering if we could actually afford to visit two colleges over spring break, but, of course, God provided abundantly!

I won’t say much about the colleges because, well, we’ve only seen two, and in the next two years my daughter could change her mind a million times.  But I did want to talk about the process…It was such a learning experience for me…I learned a lot about this process, about myself, about God, and a little more about my daughter…I learned that this process does not have to be scary.  This next phase need not be any more worrisome than this phase is.  This process is so much less stressful than I thought it would be (until I get the first bill, of course).  God has my girl in His hand.  She is seeking Him.  I am a director and mentor, but God is the CEO.

I was proud that my daughter handled all of the appointments and even asked questions, as she was simultaneously bombarded with information.  She knows what she is looking for, and it has nothing to do with legalism.  She wants to go where the students are on fire for the Lord, not where there is a checklist of things that mean you are engaging in the Christian life on campus.

I do not know where we are headed in this process, but I do know that I need to continue to be consulting God as we go, not the “experts” in the field so much.  They obviously have their place, and can give information and perspective, but God, He has control.

I do have some “Mom-worries” as we travel this road…what if she’s not ready?  What if she can’t keep up?  What if she loses her passion for her faith?  What if her grades drop and we can’t afford the school she wants after all?  What is she isn’t passionate about anything, and can’t decide what to study?  What if she’s not all that smart after all?  What if she won’t engage with others and is lonely?  What if her faith becomes rote and legalistic?

Essentially, in this phase of her life, we begin passing the authority to God.  She is responsible to Him.  Not that we are completely “hands off” at this point, but we need to send her to One who knows her best.  Do I make this sound too easy?  It’s not.  I am wrestling.  I want to take control.  I want to make it work out my way.  I want to spout my opinions and make her take them as her own.

But God calls me slightly, just slightly, a few steps away…a few steps off center…He reminds me of His love for her and of my responsibility to be what she needs in this next phase…and hopefully, I’ll learn what that is as I travel a new road…but I’m not alone–and I’m learning that sometimes that’s all I need to know…

Sometimes in the rush of the day, in life’s busy schedule, in the midst of trying to maintain some sort of structure and discipline, I forget.  I forget how special it is to be a mom.  I forget how great my kids are.  And how normal.

This weekend I was reminded how special my son, my middle child, is.  He went on his 8th grade retreat.  That alone was tough for me.  In less than one month I will have two high schoolers…it makes me feel old…and happy, excited, scared, sad, nostalgic…need I go on?  Anyway, the youth pastor asked that the parents write letters to their child.  He passed them out Saturday night.  As I wrote my letter, I thought of all the things I wanted him to know.  And all the things I thought he should learn before he grows up.  But the more I wrote, the more I began to think of all the things he’s taught me.  And sweet snapshots of his sensitive heart began to flood my mind.  It’s funny how the current frustrations melted away when I remembered him as a sweet, little, six-year-old sitting on our front steps with his Bible, sharing Jesus with a neighbor.

I pray that I remain sensitive to that as I parent these high school years.  I really can get caught up in grades, chores, and attitudes…and these things are important.  But truly, am I looking at my children’s hearts, the things they really need from me, the way God’s made and gifted them, and am I appreciating all the richness they bring to my life?  Because sometimes, I forget.

Lord, please, bring to mind what is truly important as I parent these precious children.

Do you know this prayer?  Oh, maybe you've seen it on a plaque.  Or maybe you associate it with something "those 12 step people" do.  But are you familiar with the entire prayer?  This prayer has made a powerful impact on me the past two years as many things have happened (and continue to happen) that are out of my control.  It goes like this:

                                                     God, give us grace to accept with serenity

                                                           the things that cannot be changed,

                                                               Courage to change the things

                                                                   which should be changed

                                                               and the Wisdom to distinguish

                                                                     the one from the other.

                                                                    Living one day at a time,

                                                             Enjoying one moment at a a time,

                                                      Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

                                                                      Taking, as Jesus did,

                                                                    This sinful world as it is,

                                                                     Not as I would have it,

                                                       Trusting that You will make all things right,

                                                                   If I surrender to Your will,

                                                    So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

                                                And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

                                                                                  Amen.

Living, enjoying, accepting, taking, trusting, and surrender all leading to supreme happiness in heaven with our loving Father.  I know wrote prayers are really "out of style" but don't write them off completely.  The prayers of others can help us express things that we haven't found a way to express ourselves.

--God's peace is like a shaft of golden light shining continuously. During days of bright sunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, His peace stands out in sharp contrast to the surrounding circumstances. See times of darkness as opportunities for His light to shine in transcendent splendor. He is training us to practice peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Him in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart. --Sarah Young, author